Chemo V 2.0

Second verse, same as the first!

Wasn't as bad as #1 since

A) It's not as long. They can speed it up now that they know your body doesn't react to the meds.

2) My port worked! They sprayed a numbing agent on my chest which hurt like hell and then stabbed me in my decolletage. Only hurt for a second and hands free chemo! I suggested to my nurse Jill and I could put on puppet shows for the patients. I was kidding, Jill was not. She's an ex high school theater geek.

The Benadryl made me woozy. It felt like the drug they give you right before surgery to make you all googoogajoob. It passed within like 1/2 hour or so.

They provide these little 'pods' which consist of a very comfy chair, another chair which your friend might sit on for 4 hours and a padded bench with a built in TV, etc. Crap channels though. We tore through the People magazines provided and in the end succumbed to the woman 10 feet away who spoke WAY too loud and was taking back the night, FO SHO. Her daughter was there and her crazy friend who had panty hose under her slacks and also under her white ankle socks and sneakers. :k WTF? They had holes and runs all over. Jill and I had to talk in code to communicate about it. The woman with cancer had a raspy voice and I was imaging throat or esophageal cancer. Nope, after a few minutes of her loud conversation, it was breast cancer. When her friend and daughter excused themselves to get lunch she was left without an audience and unleashed her cancer-propelled fervor upon us. Her insurance company would not approve a drug for cancer treatment. She conveyed, verbatim, her letter to the company like she had it framed on her wall. It was moving and belittled them at the same time. She asked questions like "what if this drug was for YOUR mother or YOUR sister?? WHAT THEN??" "I deserve to see my children have children, etc. etc.".

She's the kind that takes hold of cancer by the balls and whips it around like a mace. Is that the proper way to be? She reads books with her husband about coping with cancer. She has a Facebook page that guilts her friends and family into donating to breast cancer awareness groups. She wore a pink bracelet and a pink hat. Her cancer is her badge of courage.

Why am I not like that? It just can't be my focus, I don't like to give it any power. Should I?

I try not to worry about it too much. I am very organic about all things in my life. I let it be.

Meditation and visualization are my tools for battle but they're very quiet. She is loud.

I guess there is no right or wrong for any person. Everyone is different.

Jill and I came home and watched Survivor that we recorded last night. Our life is normal except I don't have hair and she took the day off to be with me at my appointment. Perfect.

I let fear worm into my heart at times, but mostly I try not to think about it. Why let it cloud me? I refuse. I want to be the otter of my own fat.¹

1. Laura Keitlinger's (stand up comic) boyfriend's dad was Irish. Once, he said "Laura, you're the otter of your own fat".. which translated to "Laura, you're the author of your own fate".