Rayyydeeeaaashhhunnnn

I can't muster a big enough UGHHHHHH to encompass my disappointment that I will be having radiation therapy as well.

I started Chemo in February.. and now for FIVE WEEKS I have to have radiation every day. EVERY DAY???? How incredibly horrid is that?

People say "hey, but it doesn't hurt and you don't lose your hair and it's only a quick zap". Yes, a quick zap but it's 1/2 hour out of every single day so time-wise, it's not that much better.

They want me to have it, they didn't deem it necessary. However, it supposedly reduces recurrence and that's what we want. I have to keep telling myself these things.

A HUGE part of me absolutely rails against something like this. Consistent, day to day appointments. My brain reels. Not to mention I'm just so so sooo tired of all of this crap. The poking, the prodding the stupid pregnant techs. Not that I am jealous they're pregnant but WHY are so many of them 25 and popping out? It's all so banal and I writhe just thinking about it.

I guess I was really hoping my last chemo date was the end of all this. Only the appointment prior did my doctor mention radiation. I shot Jill a panicked look.. "radiation?".. it felt lethargic and thick in my mouth. NOOOOOOOOoooooo!!

Not to mention the unmentionable. Brachy Therapy.. that might be administered toward the end of my treatment. It's application of radiation internally. *cough* CAN IT GET ANY WORSE? The humiliation...

I'm very pissed off. There isn't another apt description. I'm pissed off!

Blah blah blah thank GOD for the technology. Blah blah blah, I'm so fortunate to have this at my disposal. Blaaaaaahhhh I am alive and in remission. So effing what? Why did I have to get cancer in the first place? Why me?

The universe is terrible and sweet. Completely random in all it's horror. A blunt force.

The Last Day

Louise Bourgeois

Died May 31st, 2010. Louise was 98 and an incredibly talented artist. Look at that beautiful woman! Takes my breath away.

My last round of chemo was today!

It's been an amazing day.

Before chemo, my heart starts racing. It's not that I'm nervous, I've done it several times but I think my body is getting conditioned and ready for the onslaught of EXTREMELY toxic chemicals. My blood pressure raises, etc.

By the time I'm done, they re-take my BP and it's completely normal.

I can't help the anxiety. I try, believe me.

I also gained weight somehow and that irritated me like.. what's going on? Ate the same but I guess I did only work out a few times.

We sat there for 5 hours watching fun stuff from ninjavideo.net and really just enjoyed ourselves.

The hardest part for me is the first round of Benedryl. It knocks me OUT. Hits me suddenly and I'm sort of dizzy and my eyes want to close and I usually sleep for an hour or so until the feeling passes.

We gave our chemo nurse a gift card for Schuler books (our local book store which we're loyal to) and a thank you card. Of course there isn't a Hallmark card for "hey, thanks for sticking me with needles and putting toxins into my body". No, but she did go out of her way to give us special care and she was really funny and always made us laugh like crazy.

Then, Jamie took us out to dinner. He brought Gordon (his ex who lives in the lower level in his house) and we went to a very lovely restaurant in Rockford on the river called "Red's on the River". We shared a bottle of a delicious Merlot. Jill had a crazy delicious tuna steak with an olive tapenade. We shared a salad of fresh greens with apple vinegrette and candied pears with walnuts and Stilton bleu cheese that absolutely melted in your mouth.. and walnuts! *cry*

I had a butternut squash bisque that hurt my feelings it was so good. Jamie and I had their filet.. aged in house.. STUNNING and tender. And the Merlot with it.. my goodness. I have forgotten what a beautiful buzz Merlot offers. I don't drink at all and by the third sip, I could feel it.

We had wonderful conversation and toasted to my KICKING CANCER in the nuts. We expressed out love for each other and enjoyed every bit about our dinner. It was warm and loving and I thank the universe I've been given so much love and such beauty and such gifts.

The waitress happened to ask if we were celebrating something. I hesitated and everyone looked at me and I just said "yes, actually.. my last chemo appointment was today and things look great!". She said her husband is going through it as well and was visibly shaken, I think.. just a bit.

After dinner she brought out a lovely piece of chocolate cheesecake with a hazelnut whipped topping and a lit candle in the cheesecake. It said "congratulations" in chocolate on the plate. Jill cried immediately and I was too busy thanking her but when she left, I cried too. Just because I was SO FUCKING happy. So happy. So moved. So loved. So lucky.

No more chemo appointments after this! No more aching bones and no more pains in my sternum that make me feel like something is pulling me to the ground.

OH YEAH! that is from my Neulasta shot. Did I say how much those were? I finally saw an entire bill for the hospital (Spectrum) and each shot of Neulasta that I get on the Monday after my chemo is $4800.00.... WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? I said to Jill I've been injected with 6 used cars. *lol* HOLY SHIT. The chemo rounds themselves are $6000.00 and that takes 5 hours. This is one shot .. a minute's worth of injection. 5 grand.

WHAAAAAAAAT?????

I also wondered aloud if it was made of baby juice or something. What could it possibly be made of to cost so much? Maybe they can only make it on the space station. I could see that being very costly.

That's all I have to say about that.