Brachytherapy

Hmmm..

Not on my list of favorite things to do.

I'm going to go ahead and be graphic for the sake of anyone who might want to know about this experience. So if you have a weak stomach or don't want to talk about the naughty bits... go count ceiling tiles or something.

Brachytherapy is basically an internal form of high dose radiation. Some radiation is implanted and is known as "seeding". These implanted seeds are radioactive and sort of like time-released pellets. Mostly they use that for prostate/breast cancer. For me, it's a short term gig.

They use a Gooch Gun or a Cooter Shooter (as we so immaturely dubbed the instrument). It's a cylinder that is inserted in the vagina and it has a handle so it looks exactly like a gun, really.

First they "map". With the gooch gun firmly in place they take x-rays and make sure the placement is correct.

Then they hook you up to a radioactive core on wheels. Yes. You heard me right. Seems sort of basement-rigged but it's all very high-tech. The radioactive core is inside this cylinder and gets connected to the cooter shooter via flexible cable. At this point everyone runs from the room and has to sit behind thick glass so as to not be radiated every day and make flipper babies. Then a very thin wire runs from the radioactive core through the flex tube and inside me. It's automated, so that sensation is very strange. Nothing hurts at all. Very painless. The rod goes into the gooch gun and stops in several spots (where my radiation oncologist has pre-determined) and gives dosages at those spots. This took 6 minutes the first time and 6 1/2 minutes the second time. My last time will be Tuesday and that will take 7 minutes.

It's all very surreal. While I'm waiting I usually recite the names of the presidents for some reason. I learned this in 4th grade and it calms me somehow.

I have 28 regular external beam radiation appointments and 3 of those high dose appointments.

Did I mention how incredibly annoying it is to wake up every day and get ready to go get blasted with radiation?

I wonder if I've talked about the normal radiation room. I may have...

It's much like a room on Mission Impossible. A high arched ceiling with beautiful dark cherry wood panels and a lone machine in the middle of a gigantic room. It has panels on each side of the room too that look like the wall but they are cupboards that house our leg molds. Oh yeah, they put this stuff inside a garbage bag and you put your legs in it and it puffs up and gets really hot and VOILA! LEG MOLD! That way your legs are always in the same position for treatment.

They also gave me 3 tattoo dots. One on each hip and one on mah belleh.

This room also has sort of dim recessed lighting. There is a chair and table with a lamp (for what I have no idea since no one is allowed in but you). It's both beautiful and creepy.

Friday, August 13th is my last day of treatment and then.. BLISSFUL EXISTENCE. I will have to see my doctor still and get series CT scans but, fingers crossed, that remains good news for a year and then NO MORE DOCTORS.

So the side effects that I've experienced the most from radiation are diarrhea, fatigue and frequent urination. I know, it's not the most enjoyable subject but for someone who might be wondering.. these things are good to know. They tell you to eat bananas and apple sauce but nothing really helps. When I eat nothing for breakfast and lunch to try and avoid it... no... it happens anyway.

Drink lots of water and SUFFER! No one said it'd be a picnic.

Jill has gone with me to every appointment and I can't tell you how appreciative I am of that. Makes it seem faster and lighter.

I don't have anything creative to say about this. No clever musings. It sucks. The end.

"I don't know about "Through the Wormhole", sounds interesting though. I wish I could be plugged into that level more, those glimpses into how vast existence actually is, and how small that makes us. "

Lauren commented that from my last post.

It made me think immediately of my darkest moments when I was very sure I wasn't long for this Earth. We are insignificant in the grand scheme. Of course, this scheme.. our own existence rattles with fear at the huge concept of mortality.

When I think of space, time and the universe it makes me feel better about dying. I am a blip on a blip on a grain of sand on a zillion Earths beaches.

My brain can't comprehend space as it cannot comprehend no longer existing.

But we all stop existing. More of us pop up with different faces and the cycle is never ending.

I also like to watch water, especially rivers. I love that they will keep moving for ages. Eventually they'll carve a new path for themselves but water will always move and bend and remain constant.

It gives me peace.

Thinking of atoms and the elements that create our bodies, our world... just floating in space ready to create another world like our own when the conditions are right.. gives me peace.

The things that make me sad (and I'm sure I've mentioned this) is leaving my world behind. My personal Earth experience.

I can close my eyes and think of the first time I was awed by chlorophyll. Laying in our backyard and looking up through the leaves and seeing a symphony of greens in the canopy filled me with warmth. The rustling of the leaves, the smell of the air.. the sounds of the Earth. My skin, so happy to feel the breeze move across its surface. Tickling the tiny hairs on my arms and face... telling me its story.

Finding rocks and loving them. Awed at their striations, glittering mica or smoothed by water. Collecting sticks and leaves and broken egg shells. I have always been madly in love with the Earth. MADLY. When I go outside, when I sit quietly and let go of myself, that is my prayer.

To leave that love is hard to accept.

So tender and vulnerable, floating out there in space. A sudden pulse of radioactivity from the sun, an exploding star near to us.. a giant asteroid. Even my precious ball of iron will one day expire.

So what's the big deal?

Ah bin RADEATED!!11/11122

Seriously, this has to stop.

I don't know if I can take 20 more treatments. Well.. 23 with the High Dose Radiation Brachy Therapy things.

I'm sooo tired. Like after you have too much sun. That kind of tired. Your eyelids are like "hey, I know! LET'S SLEEP!". All the time. Then, when I try to sleep my mind races and I can't.

My hair is attempting to grow back. This crazy looking duck fuzz. I hope I don't grow Albert Einstein hair. :(

My eyebrows are itching so I think they're attempting to grow back. We'll see. I'm pretty sure I"ll remain bald for a long time. When I was little, I didn't get hair until I was 2! It came in blonde and curly. My duck fuzz looks white. BABY JESUS, PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME WHITE HAIR! I swear I will go into an ugly cry right this second. Ugliest cry ever, actually. A face only a mother could love.

Speaking of mothers...

We went to visit my mom a week ago. It was shocking, devastating, fascinating and very very sad. She didn't even ask about my head wrap, which was good. She'd forget anyway if I explained it all.

She told us all about her new boyfriend. How he has 2 daughters and sometimes she watches them but they're old enough to put themselves to bed. Also, her new boyfriend read a book about how NOT to get fresh with her. Apparently she read it first. This boyfriend also dances a lot and does moves on the floor...

He also carries games and tricks with him in various pockets. I guess my mom is dating Homer Simpson.

All this is fantasy. Jill and I listened to every word and asked her questions. She seemed to always have the answer, which was a bit odd. I told Jill it was like she was dreaming out loud. You know when you're dreaming but it's kind of like you're starring in a movie? That's how it sounded.

She looked beautiful though. I didn't even have to do her nails, some nurse had done them. They were pink and pretty and my sister had just done her hair. She had a lovely outfit on too. My sweet mom. She's blissfully free of complicated thoughts. Sometimes I'd love to be in that head space.

I had a dream about her last night. She was in a house like my cousins growing up. She fell out the window and I freaked out. She had busted all of the panes out and they were wide open.

I also dreamed I had to get a small cat out of a house... perhaps to the vet? I was putting him in Jessica's car except her car was rusted and beaten and looked like the biggest piece of crap ever on 4 wheels.

I got outside and I could smell gasoline. Suddenly it was a small flat bed truck and a keg like thing was on it filled with gas and leaking at the top/nozzle.

My brother Bob (Jessica's dad) jumped up and started unscrewing the cap and pressure started hissing out and gas.. and the two combined ignited his hand. I screamed for him to step away and he did.. he jumped down off the bed and the keg catapulted into the air. I knew that when it landed it would explode so I waited for it.

I laid down and pulled him down with me and a beautiful explosion occurred.

I've been watching "Through the Wormhole" with Morgan Freeman. Some of it I have to rewind and watch over for my head to completely wrap around the concepts.

Apparently a replica universe (one of many) exists at the end of the universe. Sort of like a hologram. Bits of information about my face, my hands.. me in general exist in many levels. Perhaps in alternate universes a fraction of an inch away from ours.

A fraction of an inch? Oh and time is always overlapping. The information of a Tyrannosaur is still floating about and could be sitting on my head right now.

Traveling at the speed of light.. time slows down. Tick-tocks get slower.

Universes spiral and dance around a black hole kind of like atoms. Macroverse and Universe.

I've always been fascinated at replications. Our solar system is like an atom. The sun it's nucleus. Veins mimic cracks in the pavement. That's all about the laws of physics and how things fracture... and fractals. FRACTALS OMG!! So beautiful.

And I progress.