Vicodin Dreams?

Not sure if it IS the Vicodin but I do dream very vividly a lot.

This was a continuation dream which I never EVER have. When I woke up earlier this morning I was trying to find Jill and Jamie on this cruise ship we were on. I found my family sitting in beach chairs outside (several members at least) and I asked them if they'd seen Jill and Jamie and they said no.

In my dream I had cancer and I remember doing this weird thing in front of them which was sort of acrobatic. Sort of to reassure them I was OK.

Mostly it was hallways in that dream with doors, etc. Little sections of the boat like a beverage stand, a candy stand, a deli, a cafe...

When I woke up just now it was basically the same boat, however I was with Jill and another girl in our room.. family, maybe KJ or Wendy? I did hear Wendy at one point and it was through a ventilation system and she was singing. I sat there for a while listening and loved it.. it was karaoke. She was doing a great job though and I remember thinking to myself how I love when she commits to a part (as she always does). Just like her Marilyn Monroe 'happy birthday' song to me. It was awesome!

I was painting a mural on a small wall.. on a deep red wall like my entry way. Some type of abstract flower with geometric circles of yellow in the center. Then I decided I didn't like it and stuck my hands in the paint and covered it all up. It felt really good. I used my fingers like a brush for a long time, just playing. I left part of the image peeking through because I thought it looked great. I also noted that if the cruise line asked, I could say that was my mural and the cover up was intentional. HAAA!!

Part of it I had my hair sudsy and a salon cape on but I was picking something up off the ground. Patty came in behind me and she talked to me like she didn't know it was me (she couldn't see my face) and she said something like "Did so and so leave you like that? Here, I'll rinse you and get you taken care of". I kind of giggled.

There was a big shower room that was very pretty but when I looked in it, there was red all over the floor.. mixed with water and very dark. For a moment I was taken aback but then I realized it was part of some spa treatment scrub. Hmmm....

Last thing I remembered was sitting in a sort of circle with Aspen to my far left, next to her Kris and KJ's new baby boy (orly??) then Chrissy next to me. I think Pete was to my right, then KJ and Danny. The baby boy said "Love you Mommy".. and it was like his first words and he seemed too young for words. I immediately started crying and Dan said some asshole remark (kind of something dad would have said) about a weak boy loving his mother... I laid my head on Chrissy's shoulder and cried. Jill was there too.. by Kristopher I think and She and KJ cried as well. Then Pete said something about farting and he and Dan laughed again. I thought to myself "I think KJ is crying because she's glad I heard him say that before I die."

Oi.

Musing @ 5 am

Now, every time I feel sick I think "OMG IT'S MY CANCER!"... then I start panicking a teensy bit. I mean, they say stress activates cancer cells.. WELL JESUS HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT BE STRESSED??

A funny pain in my neck becomes a brain tumor. My way of thinking is changing. I'm a super hero when it comes to pain and illness. I put it out of my mind, I give it no power. But now, everything seems so ominous and cancer-related.

All I can do is keep my head down and move forward.

My dreams have been spectacularly lucid and vivid. Colors and patterns are so tangible.

My family has backed off (because they know me so well) but my friends have been relentless. I mean, c'mon! If we haven't talked in 10 years, there is a reason. My being sick doesn't change any of that.

I have a chosen, beautiful family of friends. I feel hot tears just thinking about the amazing and true love I've been gifted. I would do anything for these people. ANYTHING. I even told them I "took one for the team" by getting Cancer. The statistic says 1 in every 5 people get cancer... and my core family is about that. HAAAA!!

I should end this post before it gets any more boring. I'm just biding time until my Vicodin kicks in. *adjusts halo*

M.R.I.. wish I wasn't claustrophobic.

BRAIN SCAN!

What a crazy experience. They lay you down, put a hockey mask over your face and tell you to sit still for 45 minutes...

I passed the place because the sign was barely visible through the thick white of snowfall. I had to double back. Nice enough place but I was nervous just because I get nervous when I don't know what to expect. I was also hesitant because of my semi-claustrophobia.

"Lay down.. shoulders here.. head here.. is this pulling your hair? put in these earlpugs.. whatever you do, don't move.. is this comfortable? arms here or here.. where is your IV for the contrast (seriously? have you eyes?) here's the ball, squeeze it if you need us"

I had to get over the initial feeling of being trapped. I felt something sitting on my stomach too.. which was a bit off-putting. Then her voice distant through ear plugs "are you ready Melissa?"

YESSSS MASTERRRRRR.....

The noise-techno music started. Fairly loud.. shocking really. I can't imagine what I'd have thought w/o ear plugs. SUPER loud.. bzzz.. bop... bzzz... bop.. chigga chigga chigga chigga..

That was the first test. 4 minutes she said.

No sweat.

Second test. SUPER LOUD. Vibrating me, shaking the bed. It went on so long it started sounding like something different. Robot speak. While my eyes were closed (I kept them closed the entire time because I was afraid to see how encapsulated I was) I kept seeing weird water like images. I wish I could draw them in real time. I'll add a psuedo image but they were almost like concentric circles overlapping each other like waves. I thought "am I seeing the magnetics?". I felt like I was beginning to hallucinate.

In retrospect, it's a sort of deprivation chamber. No light, mean temp, but there was plenty of sound.

I then started thinking about Avatar, the movie. How they put that same kind of grid thing over him. I started imagining the images and the beautiful Na'vi woman (main girl don't remember her name). That kind of worked so I went to thinking about Jill and Jamie and their faces and laughing. I also thought about Wall-E's paw from this morning. How it poked into the shaft of light from the bathroom and I could only see his lovely delicate paw.

Near the middle when I was really starting to panic, the droning was getting to me. But, I felt like I could hear water dripping beyond the drone. Like dripping in a big atrium.. from far up into a pool below. It felt like that kind of space.. large and echoing.

From time to time my breathing got funny and I had to breathe slowly.

Finally she said "Last one, Melissa" and I was very happy and relaxed a bit. Thinking of the sound, of nothing, of everything.. random images of me in my car and how the dashboard looks.

They pulled me out and my eyes were still closed. This intense bright light was on my face so I didn't open my eyes until they moved whatever it was. After a minute I squinted my eyes open afraid I was going to be blinded by some crazy light source.. and I realized it was the sun coming through the huge windows to my right. The room was dark when I went in... and visibility was 20 ft at best because of snow.

But the sun.. the sun shone so brightly it felt like the first time I've ever seen or felt it. The word "imbue" came to mind because I felt like it saturated me and the room.. all of us.

It was really beautiful and I bit my lip to stop from crying.

The little things

I am struck at how long I can go without thinking that I have cancer.

Is that good or bad? I sort of don't want to give it any unction, so I don't let it in.

Other times I think "you better start thinking about this". BWAAAHHH!!

Tomorrow is my first appointment with the medical oncologist. She'll be determining my chemo cocktail. WOOHOO!

Will I lose my hair? PROBABLY. The agony.. the humanity!!

Here's my first hat I bought. It's being made for me. I LOVE IT! but I'll probably not be able to use it in the spring or when it gets warmer. :(

You can find it on Etsy.com by seller "emililybug"

Blood Play

Warning: You may find this post super gross if you're a baby what cries.

Most of my cancer was in my uterus. For several months I bled very heavily. One night about a month ago, I took a shower and bled.. and bled. Then I bled some more. I sat down because I felt light headed. Looking down at the white tub with the deep sanguine of my blood making tracks across the bottom I was struck by its beauty. How it moved like a river... how it veined outward. Lightning, veins, rivulets. I'm so much a part of the Earth and it's so much a part of me. Iron comes from space and now it was leaking out of me and draining my vitality.

So, this is my impression.

Photoshop and Corel X painter

Cancer Food

I know they want to help. Truly, I know and I want to LET them help.

But how much lasagna do I have to choke down to make them feel better about my cancer?

Why is food the soothsayer? I'm not dead yet. It's not a wake or a post-funeral feast. STOP MAKING US FOOD!! Well, the cancer BBQ ribs and the cancer veggie hash were spectacular, I have to admit.

I'm such a bitch.

I'm not that fond of people either. I know that's awful, but I love my solitude. I come from a huge family and I love to hide in my home. Draw the blinds and giggle while someone is knocking to come in.

Cancer doesn't change that. It doesn't give you permission to darken my door whenever you want. YOU STILL HAVE TO CALL AND I STILL HATE UNANNOUNCED VISITORS!

You've Got Cancer!

(FYI, this blog is about contemplation but mostly it'll be a bitchfest.)

It's HUGE. It's catastrophic. It feels like the universe sucker-punched you. It's hard enough to deal with but I never expected the hardest part to be friends and family.

EDIT: I shouldn't be so quick to say that about friends and family because I can't be sure what the hardest parts will be.

Of course, the saying goes "it won't happen to me". And though I never really believed it wouldn't happen to me, I was still gobsmacked when it did.

Doctors in all their stabbity bedside mannerisms lack in social grace. My doctor said "Oh, I'm glad you brought someone... it's bad". Hey, could you wait until I sit down?? Make some insipid small talk?? No, straight to the sentencing.

My first thought was "how will I pay for this without insurance?". Then "wow, I might die". It was surreal at best. I was pissed immediately. Irritated beyond all comprehension that I had to deal with this bullshit. Not to mention I was bleeding profusely and anemic. Then the thought of family and friends. Breaking it to them...

It's been well over a month since my diagnosis. I still haven't told everyone that I should. My mother is in a home and mired in dementia. She couldn't comprehend and it would only upset her greatly in the short-term.

My family needs consoling. It's unreal how much I have to talk to them and make them feel better about my cancer. I know they're scared. I know it's gigantic but I don't like to give it such power. I REFUSE to. The recent loss of a family member to cancer has made us all shell-shocked. It took a long time before I told my brother Pete (his wife Terri passed in September of '08).

Fear is just an emotion. It spurs our "flight or fight" response when threatened but really, in my basal animal brain.. life goes on. There is nothing good that can come from fear flushing through my veins like cold liquid. Why let it? Why give it such enormous power over me?

Not that I refuse to think about it and acknowledge the fear... it comes and I recognize it and then I let it go. KTHNXBAI.