Jubilation!

I had a CT scan last Friday (a week ago today). This was called a "progress" scan and doctors usually order them after 3 treatments of chemo to see if it's working.

The week was hard, but controllable until the night before. I couldn't sleep well. I went through scenarios in my head as to why she (the doctor) didn't have someone call to tell me good or bad.

Someone called with good news about my brain and bone scan. This must be bad news...

I let it go. I promised myself I'd just enjoy the week and deal with it on Friday when we met her prior to chemo (as we always do).

In the office, while waiting for her (which is always FOREVER) I think I had my first panic attack ever. My heart starting fluttering about out of nowhere. Skipping beats and generally freaking me out. My vision became a little blurry and I felt very dizzy.

I breathed through it and was fine but it was really kind of freakish what your brain can do to you out of the blue.

Dr. VanderWoude walked in and simply said "great news!" and handed me the report.

CT pelvis with intravenous contrast:

The enlarged right iliac lymph nodes present on the prior study have resolved (this is my favorite part.. 'resolved'. Sounds like heaven). No new enlarged lymph nodes are seen. There is no free fluid.

IMPRESSION:

1. Resolution of the previously enlarged right iliac nodes.

2. Stable small nodular densities in lungs.

3. Stable non-enlarged lymph nodes in the chest.

There had been 3 nodules in my lungs and they've remained the same size. This indicates that they're stable and non cancerous. They're too small to remove (under 4 mm). The doctor says it's very common, actually. Probably due to exposure to something like mold, etc. The lymph nodes had actually resolved prior to chemo so... nyeh.

Thems the facts.

We were elated. Tears, etc.

Of course this doesn't mean I'm cancer free. It means, for now, it's in remission. Hopefully forever!

I will continue with 2 more chemo treatments as planned because this can be a very aggressive cancer. Series scans after to monitor those crazy nodes.

I feel like I'm in shock. I am not a very demonstrative or dramatic person. I'm stable and that makes me feel safe and happy. I didn't let the bad get to me. I remained positive. I think the good is the same way. I feel so very relieved and happy but, deep down, I expected to get through this.

Great expectations, eh?

It may or may not be over. I'm too wary of an individual to assume anything else.

But, like Jill says.. this battle has been won.

HA!

In the indelible words of Jill.. "SUCK IT, CANCER!!"

Crying Game

This morning, I woke before Jill and she loves coffee in the morning so I decided to drive to my favorite Starbucks. I hadn't showered and was looking rather gnarly so I figured.. drive-thru, hat.. done.

I slipped on my ipod and the first song was from a compilation from my bestest friend in the world, Sharon. It was "Heavenly Day" from Patty Griffin. She says something about no worries and sitting back watching the trees sway...

Cried.

Saw a beautiful Mallard smashed in the road in front of Aquinas' ponds..

Cried.

I want so much for this to be my history. My past. My memory.

Of course the most beautiful boy working at Starbucks happens to be at the window today. He's been there a long while. They all know me by name when I place my order... it's a picky drink, of course. He calls me "sweetheart" which, normally, would make me bristle. Coming from his whiskey smooth voice, it clams me. I say "keep the change" and he thanks me.. leans forward into my window, astonishingly close and says

"Melissa, I pray for you every night and think about you every day."

His eyes are arresting.

"Jill let us know what's happening with you and... "

I stop him and tell him thank you, touch my hand to my heart and tell him it means a lot. He says "Have a beautiful day, sweetheart". I say "You too!" and smile from my heart.

I pull away and stop in the parking lot to cry. Head in my hands. I hate when people feel sorry for me. But, it was so beautiful, that exchange. It wasn't fake or awkward or forced. It felt like he was washing waves of goodness all over me. It was true.

Somehow I think I will adore life more when I am past this. When I can feel safe enough to do anything I please. That's wrong, though. I've always appreciated the life I've been given. Every day I fall in love with something new. A plant, a color, a smell... whatever. Every day I see the miracle in the design of my cat or the repeated patterns of lighting/vein/branch. I see all of it with open eyes. I'm not asleep. I'm awake.

When I see green hills

I want to fly over them, but very close to the ground. Almost gliding. Like a bird, I guess.

I was talking to a friend about that and every time I see green rolling hills or just flats of green grass, I want to rush over them close and feel the blades touching my belly.

Kind of like when I see a white page or freshly fallen snow on my yard. I want to make my mark somehow. It's just so inviting. I WANT IT!

Chemo session #3. I slept mostly. My legs already feel funny and the neuropathy is really starting to BUG THE FUCK OUT OF ME. :D

I asked for a room and turned the air way down and slept so that was nice. It went by fast. I had my ipod on the whole time almost and would wake periodically to Radiohead. Love.

The day was really warm.. so warm that it kind of had a surreal air to it. Kind of dream like. Beautiful and not humid. Warm but not irritatingly so.

We got the Kindle but not in time before my appointment. Sad, but now I have it and it's SOOO Awesome! Can't wait to lose myself in it tomorrow.

I Said I'm Sad

Today is the first day I've really cried about all this. My head wrap got really hot and I had to wait to get home to take it off. I won't do it in public, I feel so ugly. I cried when I got home. The house was waiting for it, I think.

Everything was so silent and still. The cats were all asleep and the muffled street sounds were so painful to hear.

I tried to avoid it and got onto the computer but it was just waiting for me, sitting on the sofa with its legs crossed smoking a cigarette.

I got up, laid down on the sofa and my sadness laid over me like a sheet.

I cried out for my mom. I cried and missed my dad. I ached for Butter and Bizzy.

Butter, my familiar.. who would crawl up on me under any blanket and slumber. He would come when I cried too. I cried because I hate my body for fucking me over.

I'm letting myself feel sorry for me. It feels good to cry, but it's a slippery slope. I don't want to be sucked down into despair. I'm clinging to the rim.

I want to go to the water and watch the sunset. Perhaps I'll do that tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my first chemo appointment by myself. Jill's grandfather passed and she left this morning.

PLEASE PLEASE let the Kindle come so I can play with a new toy and read. I want to get lost in someone else's world.. especially because it belongs to another.

But mostly, I'm scared.