Fun fun fun!!

2nd round of chemo (8th chemo treatment) and I had an allergic reaction today.

I guess Carboplatin can build up in your system (cumulative sort of) and when re-introduced (from a year ago) can cause allergic reactions. Nurse Amy told me to watch out for this but it's rather rare. Of course, about 15 minutes into my infusion my hands started itching. Then the inside of my arms from my armpits to my palms (palms itched like crazy). So, we had to stop that and I was given a steroid and Benadryl. It subsided after about 1/2 hour. My face felt like it was in a vice and my skull itched too. SUCKED big time.

I got to leave a tad bit early because they didn't want to give me any more. I'll have to talk to my doctor about my options. There are a few but I'm not sure. My body is saying "NOOOOoooo"... I don't blame it. Anyway, that's the story for the day. I'm bummed because I just want things to go as planned.

We came home and I was irritable about my hair so we shaved it. First GI Jane length but we left a mohawk on top. I went into the bathroom, applied some product and pointed it up which was AWESOME. It did look pretty great. But then as I was pushing and pulling it GOBS came out in my hand. It's kind of sickening. So we shaved it all to the skin pretty much. Just tiny stubble.

Feels good, actually. Last time, my head felt like it was raw or like my brain was exposed. This time, it feels more natural because it's been this way before. Freeing, sort of. I wept like a banshee the last time. This time we giggled and had fun. Like my brother always say (who lost his wife to Ovarian cancer) "don't sweat the small stuff".

DONE!

OUCH, MY HEAD!

My head hurts.

Last time I shaved my head when my hair started falling out. Dr. Dummypants said it'd all fall out exactly 14 days after my first treatment. Another HUGE weird lie from her. This time, my hair is already very short and I just want to see how long it'll take before I show bald spots. I'll shave it then, for sure but HOLY COW! The aching is so gross. It feels exactly like after having your hair in a pony tail for a loong time. You remove it and your scalp just aches.

I'm losing a lot of hair today. Combed it several times and just gobs came out. It makes me very sad. I don't know why.. I can take all the fatigue, painful legs and everything but there are just a few things that make me very weepy and this is one of them. I can feel the hot tears now and these words are blurring.

Sometimes I just let that strong shield drop and feel so sorry for myself.

We went to see 127 Hours tonight and it was really intense. I love losing myself in films. A mini vacation. Afterward, I was melancholy. At home, I didn't want to talk to Jill so I holed up in my office and puttered around on Neopets. I just couldn't shake the want to stare into the air. I felt like I was sliding down the slippery slope and near the vacuous hole. I have to be careful about that.

It's easy to pretend everything is OK when I have my hair. When it's falling out and I'm finally bald, there is no hiding.

Sometimes I think I'd rather be trapped in a canyon in the middle of nowhere with my arm pinned by a boulder. 127 hours of mental hell.. but this... this is long and drawn out and sooo incredibly annoying.

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

It ripples outward in concentric circles that cross and finally dissipate. Then another drip... ripples of worry and trepidation and fear and then... fade.

1 year, 3 months and 12 days of fear. 127 hours? Pffffffffffffffffft.

Fun fun fun!

I wish my chemo stations looked like this.

I re-started chemotherapy today. I was SO PSYCHED! Nothing beats chemo.. except maybe a slow starvation. Or perhaps if you fall from a tall cliff in the middle of nowhere and you are stuck in a canyon and can't move because all of your bones are broken.

Sarcasm helps me stay sane.

Anyway, we went directly to the Gold Pod where I'd been treated before. Amy (my chemo nurse) met us and said everything was set up in the other pod because now we were paying patients.... My lip quivered... I nearly cried. Amy assured me that she'd take care of it and if I wanted to, I could have the rest of my appointments with her. "ONLY if you want to". I was like "OF COURSE I WANT TO, AMY... I NEED YOUUUU" and she got a little misty eyed.

I was very upset.

We got there @ 9 for our appointment and, of course, with anything at Lemmen-Holton we waited an hour for our 9 am appt. and got in @ 10 am. I was getting furious.

Seeing Amy was something I actually was looking forward to. Amy jokes about her "golden boy" brother in-law who if favored by her husband's parents. She's said awful things about him that I cannot share in public but they made me love her forever and ever. When I had to get poked for a second time on a blood test because the blood draw lab failed to follow up, she was furious and made sure that never happened again. Made more work for herself because of it.

She called in a prescription very late and waited for Jill to come pick it up. She gives her heart to her patients and that is rare. I mean, that I've experienced. I know there are a ton of health workers in it because they care, but they don't care for me. :P I always feel like a #, save Amy and another moment with a very kind male nurse.

ANYWAY.. Amy came over to the other "pod" and said she took care of it all, fixed this and that blah blah blah and YAY!!! I'm so glad. At the very end she said "I have something to tell you that might cheer you up.... One of us three is pregnant" she pointed to Jill, me and herself. We squealed for her. We cried for her. She'll be a great mom because she already knows she'll be a terrible mom. Y'know? She's amazing and I love her.

It was a hellish 7 hours. The first time you go, they "ramp up" which means they start slow and then increase the flow of the meds. Usually it takes around 5 hours. The Benadryl really effects me, so I was woozy and slept on and off. It makes me feel so out of it.

They give you saline which makes you pee like crazy.. but then the Benadryl makes you feel like you are going to bump into walls when you walking. Then they gave me Pepcid (for nausea) and a steroid. Carboplatin and Taxol are the chemo drugs. My doctor had a syringe of Adivan ordered for me (which I never had before but Dr. Dummypants likes to get shit wrong with me). Adivan is for stress relief and nausea. It also makes you very sleepy so I said no.

Hopefully the leg pain isn't too bad this time around. Who knows. I felt fairly nauseous all night and didn't want to eat really. I usually don't feel that either. Mostly I feel fine though.

I cut Jill's hair tonight and that was a lot of fun. Poor girl lets me do anything and actually believes in me. How'd I get so lucky?

Sometimes I wish I had my chemo by myself though. I feel like I have to worry about Jill being entertained. I know she doesn't FEEL that way but it always makes me feel bad. Like, if I want to sleep I have to make sure she's OK and busy or has something to do. No way for her to sleep really because the chair she sits in is not comfy like mine. No reclining fancy stuff.

Lisa stopped by for lunch and we all ate together which was nice. I need one of those sleeping masks though because lights are bright. (*_*)

Mmrphmrmnhfphrrumm

I can't say anything.

Not really. Jill gets too upset if I talk to her about certain things.

So do all my friends. Well, they would. I don't want to upset them with these thoughts.

But I do think them. I often wonder if I'm thinking about my funeral or where to put information about paying bills or how I set up my will... is that inviting the worst into reality?

On one hand, I'm practical. On the other, I'm superstitious.

I was thinking I really love "Blackbird" and I'd like that song to be played.. A capella at my funeral. Then I thought it'd be really funny to like make everyone sit through a song that was horrible like "Who let the dogs out". Everyone would feel uncomfortable trying to understand what I was saying. Then something pretty like "Blackbird".

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

So gorgeous. So painfully promising. It's always been or seemed like a metaphor for death to me. Take these broken wings and learn to fly.. into the light of the dark black night. The dark is the unknown.

I remember once on Lyon street in my first apartment I was falling asleep. Suddenly I felt like I was awake, but in a between state of waking. I was vibrating and I felt like I was spinning at the same time. No pain. I remember the feeling of receding too and I was very confused. Then it came to me; I was dying. I thought about things in my apartment and what I wouldn't want my parents to find/see. Then I just melted into a sort of stillness or peace. A washing over. No fear, no regret, no trepidation, no hesitation.

Then I was awake in my room and I thought "well, that was a messed-up dream".

After that I never feared death. Meaning the actual dying or letting go. I knew that would be extraordinary.

What I don't like is thinking about what I'm leaving behind. My loved ones, my life.

I don't like thinking about death at all, who does? But it's out there... lingering. Big fat mortality waggling its sausage finger at me.

My biopsy was going to go one of two ways. Positive or negative. It isn't rocket science. Will I live or will I die? One of two ways.

It will happen or it won't. I don't feel helpless but I don't feel in control. I believe in the randomness of the universe. Chaos.

I don't believe in prayer but I believe in positive energy. I've felt its power and its beauty. I don't like negativity and sadness and pouting and "OMG NO!". I don't know that I believe in fate either... or even the stability of this reality.

I just know that I don't know.

I cry when I feel sad about it but I don't feel sorry for myself. I don't blame anything or anyone but I do wonder what might have caused it or was it coded into my genes before birth.

I compartmentalize like a mo-fo and this helps me tremendously.

I like to look at my cats and revel in their lack of intelligence. They're blissfully unaware. I like thinking about the universe and the solar system and how long it took to form our sun and how long it will last.

I fall somewhere in between the life of a bolt of lightning and the life of a star.

A blip.

I don't feel like I have to run around the world and fit in all the "things I always wanted to do". Sure, it'd be nice but sometimes living inside my thoughts is more beautiful than any trip to Cape Cod could be.

Although, I'd love that. Don't get me wrong. I would LOVE to travel, but I refuse to make a mad dash to squeeze a lifetime into a few years. If I tried, wouldn't I be giving up?

These thoughts swirl, vortex, pause and dissipate.

I know I've said this before in this blog but I don't love the snow any more than I did before because I have always been deeply in love with life.

So blessed. So lucky. So pained. So unlucky.

The good, the bad and the ugly.