Sometimes when I need to nap and it's too light out, I put my woobie over my eyes. It's a giant 100% cotton cloth I got from a friend as a gift for a head wrap. It's far too large for that but OHHHH my... so soft, so sweet, so loving. I drape it around my head and neck at night and when I get a surge of heat, I take it off. Moments later when it's freezing, I casually put it back on. I love it. Living bald is quite an experience.

I digress.

Swimming up from sleep with the woobie over my eyes, I heard a distant droning. Immediately summers shuffled inside my mind and I was transported to Oxbow where we'd spend weekends in the summer before dad built the cottage.

It was hot and I was lying on a lounge chair under the green fiberglass awning attached to our trailer. The droning is a boat on the lake. It's a beautiful sound in my heart... an enormous cursor to my childhood summers at that lake. The breeze is cool and sweet and it might have to do with how we're nestled on top of a cliff. It was a cliff to me then, now it probably would be a gentle sloping hill before a drop off to the lake front.

Along with the droning, the air is warm in my nostrils and fragrant with Earthy smells. One foot on the ground with my toes wiggling in the silty sand to get to the cooler, damp soil beneath. Birds calling to each other in the canopy high above. I open my eyes and see the glowing green of the sun filtering through the corrugated awning. Shadowed leaves and branches paint a moving mural on the surface and the sun moves through it all in a chorus of light. It's so potent, this memory, so real that hot tears work their way into my eyes.

I think the words and then I say them out loud since no one is here to hear... "I love you, Earth".

Good News... for now.

Today, before chemo we had an appointment with my oncologist (Dr. Dummypants) and the scan I had 2 Mondays ago looked good! My lymph nodes were back down to normal size (the swelling wasn't very significant to begin with) and no other problems were found! VERY happy. Of course, I take it for what it is. Good news for now. Doesn't mean I'm free & clear, just means the chemo is doing its job. Good times!

For the first time, Dr. Dummypants was like "you're really doing great, Melissa.. I think this will be good.. you'll be fine". This, she never said to me EVER. My first appointment with her was very grim. She was straightforward and did not nice words. She basically said at that first appointment that I had a very aggressive cancer and she really didn't have high hopes but we were going to attack it aggressively and do what we could. We cried afterwards. I thought she was horrible, but really, she was just being honest from her experience. Granted... by her admission and other oncologists we saw, not much is known about my specific cancer. It's not, as she called it "your garden variety cancer". Large Cell Neuroendocrine Carcinoma/Tumor was what they called it at first (being that tumors were inside my uterus). Now they just say "Large Cell Neuroendocrine Cancer".

Also, not sure if I had written about my weekly chemo. It's really fantastic. NO LEG PAINS!! I don't know if that's from the lack of Carboplatin or just less dosages per week of the Taxol. A Taxol side effect is leg pain so who knows. I'm still fatigued and feel like I have the flu for a few days but without that pain it's like I could do this forever! Although you kind of get used to feeing tired and like shit so when I'm off it, I don't realize how good I feel.

I gain weight because it is far too taxing to exercise. I should just not do as much as I used to when I did exercise. Little bits. Baby steps.

I'm riding a 'roid wave right now. The steroids always make me a bit hyper and wide awake. I probably won't go to sleep until 5 am again. I have projects to do anyway so maybe I'll work on those. :P