My head hurts.
Last time I shaved my head when my hair started falling out. Dr. Dummypants said it'd all fall out exactly 14 days after my first treatment. Another HUGE weird lie from her. This time, my hair is already very short and I just want to see how long it'll take before I show bald spots. I'll shave it then, for sure but HOLY COW! The aching is so gross. It feels exactly like after having your hair in a pony tail for a loong time. You remove it and your scalp just aches.
I'm losing a lot of hair today. Combed it several times and just gobs came out. It makes me very sad. I don't know why.. I can take all the fatigue, painful legs and everything but there are just a few things that make me very weepy and this is one of them. I can feel the hot tears now and these words are blurring.
Sometimes I just let that strong shield drop and feel so sorry for myself.
We went to see 127 Hours tonight and it was really intense. I love losing myself in films. A mini vacation. Afterward, I was melancholy. At home, I didn't want to talk to Jill so I holed up in my office and puttered around on Neopets. I just couldn't shake the want to stare into the air. I felt like I was sliding down the slippery slope and near the vacuous hole. I have to be careful about that.
It's easy to pretend everything is OK when I have my hair. When it's falling out and I'm finally bald, there is no hiding.
Sometimes I think I'd rather be trapped in a canyon in the middle of nowhere with my arm pinned by a boulder. 127 hours of mental hell.. but this... this is long and drawn out and sooo incredibly annoying.
Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.
It ripples outward in concentric circles that cross and finally dissipate. Then another drip... ripples of worry and trepidation and fear and then... fade.
1 year, 3 months and 12 days of fear. 127 hours? Pffffffffffffffffft.
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