I started Chemo in February.. and now for FIVE WEEKS I have to have radiation every day. EVERY DAY???? How incredibly horrid is that?
People say "hey, but it doesn't hurt and you don't lose your hair and it's only a quick zap". Yes, a quick zap but it's 1/2 hour out of every single day so time-wise, it's not that much better.
They want me to have it, they didn't deem it necessary. However, it supposedly reduces recurrence and that's what we want. I have to keep telling myself these things.
A HUGE part of me absolutely rails against something like this. Consistent, day to day appointments. My brain reels. Not to mention I'm just so so sooo tired of all of this crap. The poking, the prodding the stupid pregnant techs. Not that I am jealous they're pregnant but WHY are so many of them 25 and popping out? It's all so banal and I writhe just thinking about it.
I guess I was really hoping my last chemo date was the end of all this. Only the appointment prior did my doctor mention radiation. I shot Jill a panicked look.. "radiation?".. it felt lethargic and thick in my mouth. NOOOOOOOOoooooo!!
Not to mention the unmentionable. Brachy Therapy.. that might be administered toward the end of my treatment. It's application of radiation internally. *cough* CAN IT GET ANY WORSE? The humiliation...
I'm very pissed off. There isn't another apt description. I'm pissed off!
Blah blah blah thank GOD for the technology. Blah blah blah, I'm so fortunate to have this at my disposal. Blaaaaaahhhh I am alive and in remission. So effing what? Why did I have to get cancer in the first place? Why me?
The universe is terrible and sweet. Completely random in all it's horror. A blunt force.
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