Louise Bourgeois
Died May 31st, 2010. Louise was 98 and an incredibly talented artist. Look at that beautiful woman! Takes my breath away.
It's been an amazing day.
Before chemo, my heart starts racing. It's not that I'm nervous, I've done it several times but I think my body is getting conditioned and ready for the onslaught of EXTREMELY toxic chemicals. My blood pressure raises, etc.
By the time I'm done, they re-take my BP and it's completely normal.
I can't help the anxiety. I try, believe me.
I also gained weight somehow and that irritated me like.. what's going on? Ate the same but I guess I did only work out a few times.
We sat there for 5 hours watching fun stuff from ninjavideo.net and really just enjoyed ourselves.
The hardest part for me is the first round of Benedryl. It knocks me OUT. Hits me suddenly and I'm sort of dizzy and my eyes want to close and I usually sleep for an hour or so until the feeling passes.
We gave our chemo nurse a gift card for Schuler books (our local book store which we're loyal to) and a thank you card. Of course there isn't a Hallmark card for "hey, thanks for sticking me with needles and putting toxins into my body". No, but she did go out of her way to give us special care and she was really funny and always made us laugh like crazy.
Then, Jamie took us out to dinner. He brought Gordon (his ex who lives in the lower level in his house) and we went to a very lovely restaurant in Rockford on the river called "Red's on the River". We shared a bottle of a delicious Merlot. Jill had a crazy delicious tuna steak with an olive tapenade. We shared a salad of fresh greens with apple vinegrette and candied pears with walnuts and Stilton bleu cheese that absolutely melted in your mouth.. and walnuts! *cry*
I had a butternut squash bisque that hurt my feelings it was so good. Jamie and I had their filet.. aged in house.. STUNNING and tender. And the Merlot with it.. my goodness. I have forgotten what a beautiful buzz Merlot offers. I don't drink at all and by the third sip, I could feel it.
We had wonderful conversation and toasted to my KICKING CANCER in the nuts. We expressed out love for each other and enjoyed every bit about our dinner. It was warm and loving and I thank the universe I've been given so much love and such beauty and such gifts.
The waitress happened to ask if we were celebrating something. I hesitated and everyone looked at me and I just said "yes, actually.. my last chemo appointment was today and things look great!". She said her husband is going through it as well and was visibly shaken, I think.. just a bit.
After dinner she brought out a lovely piece of chocolate cheesecake with a hazelnut whipped topping and a lit candle in the cheesecake. It said "congratulations" in chocolate on the plate. Jill cried immediately and I was too busy thanking her but when she left, I cried too. Just because I was SO FUCKING happy. So happy. So moved. So loved. So lucky.
No more chemo appointments after this! No more aching bones and no more pains in my sternum that make me feel like something is pulling me to the ground.
OH YEAH! that is from my Neulasta shot. Did I say how much those were? I finally saw an entire bill for the hospital (Spectrum) and each shot of Neulasta that I get on the Monday after my chemo is $4800.00.... WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? I said to Jill I've been injected with 6 used cars. *lol* HOLY SHIT. The chemo rounds themselves are $6000.00 and that takes 5 hours. This is one shot .. a minute's worth of injection. 5 grand.
WHAAAAAAAAT?????
I also wondered aloud if it was made of baby juice or something. What could it possibly be made of to cost so much? Maybe they can only make it on the space station. I could see that being very costly.
That's all I have to say about that.
I really like your writing. I absolutely adored "I had a butternut squash bisque that hurt my feelings it was so good." Hurt your feelings... heheh! I know exactly what you mean, too.
ReplyDelete"injected with 6 used cars"... so funny. How you can make something like that funny, I don't know.
Reading about how expensive all this is makes me wish you were in Europe! That's no help at all to say, but you wouldn't have this horrid bill and this worry about what to do about it.
There was one girl on neo whose husband was in a horrid car wreck, and he was in a coma, and needed brain surgery, rehabilitation, you name it. Her first bill was for more than $1 million. That's when I got catastrophic insurance. Such a messed up crazy world out there.
"Maybe they can only make it on the space station."
And yet you still managed to make me laugh about it.
Heart you. So happy it was your last appointment.
When is your hair supposed to start growing back?
{{{giant hugs}}}
A month or so?? WHY SO LONG??
ReplyDeleteThank you for your incredibly kind and thoughtful words. All the time, your words are thoughtful and intelligent. I love the Flo like nobody know. :*
"So happy. So moved. So loved. So lucky."
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is what I've said before, you're loved by so many people. Not just people in your immediate area, but people all over this world care about you, and we are so relieved to share your joy.
I've seen the things you do for people (hell, experienced them) in a virtual world, but I can only imagine how you touch people in your everyday world. The love is not lost.
The humour, passion and eloquence that you write with is forever stunning - Sorry it took me so long to read this last post.
With love & a raaahhr,
Aus
"When you face the sun, the shadows always fall behind you."
-Helen Keller