Shitballs Willie!

Pardon my French.

I don't know where that phrase came from but sometimes Jill says it when something bad happens.

I had another scan on July 8th and my lymph nodes are enlarged again. Dr. Dummypants says it might be from my horrific chest cold but it's probably a bit of that and a bit of the cancer bulking it up in size.

Unable to take the carboplatin as well, she thinks it just wasn't enough with the Taxol.

Enter radiation. I had my consult with the radiation oncologist the day before Dummypants and he repeated everything I already knew but didn't mention anything about my lymph nodes. He said, as always, it's up to me to do radiation or not. With the size increase, there is no option. I have to do this... it helped with my pelvic region.

The upshot is, no spreading. Still just these obnoxious nodes so.. gotta zap those babies. I guess I can do a shorter treatment for radiation because I just can't stand the thought of doing this for another 5 weeks. He can up the dosage and make it a 2-3 week stint. The side effects might be worse but I don't care at this point. I'm over it... I've been doing this crap for 2 years now and I just want a break. It's not only really taking a toll on my body it's make me a bit crazy as well. I'm just tired of it all, really. Done. DONE AAAAND DONE.

I had to come back and add to this post. I'm pretty pissed off. In fact, I'd use the phrase "furious". I guess it's just fear masking itself as anger. I'm scared as hell. Mostly I'm convinced that this is nothing and I'll "get past it" but I fear it's going to push and pull me around for a long time until it decides to take my life. I HATE IT.

It makes me think stupid things like "why me?". I dislike when people ask that question. I think "why not you?". But lately I've been thinking more along the lines of "what did I do to deserve this?".

I do sort of believe in karma. You get what you give. That's where it feels bad. What did I give to get this? It really is unfair but life is unfair, I know this. I'm rational. So I'm mad. Really mad.

I cry angry tears and then pitiful tears and then a few more angry tears and then I'm done.