I Said I'm Sad

Today is the first day I've really cried about all this. My head wrap got really hot and I had to wait to get home to take it off. I won't do it in public, I feel so ugly. I cried when I got home. The house was waiting for it, I think.

Everything was so silent and still. The cats were all asleep and the muffled street sounds were so painful to hear.

I tried to avoid it and got onto the computer but it was just waiting for me, sitting on the sofa with its legs crossed smoking a cigarette.

I got up, laid down on the sofa and my sadness laid over me like a sheet.

I cried out for my mom. I cried and missed my dad. I ached for Butter and Bizzy.

Butter, my familiar.. who would crawl up on me under any blanket and slumber. He would come when I cried too. I cried because I hate my body for fucking me over.

I'm letting myself feel sorry for me. It feels good to cry, but it's a slippery slope. I don't want to be sucked down into despair. I'm clinging to the rim.

I want to go to the water and watch the sunset. Perhaps I'll do that tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my first chemo appointment by myself. Jill's grandfather passed and she left this morning.

PLEASE PLEASE let the Kindle come so I can play with a new toy and read. I want to get lost in someone else's world.. especially because it belongs to another.

But mostly, I'm scared.