It's HUGE. It's catastrophic. It feels like the universe sucker-punched you. It's hard enough to deal with but I never expected the hardest part to be friends and family.
EDIT: I shouldn't be so quick to say that about friends and family because I can't be sure what the hardest parts will be.
Of course, the saying goes "it won't happen to me". And though I never really believed it wouldn't happen to me, I was still gobsmacked when it did.
Doctors in all their stabbity bedside mannerisms lack in social grace. My doctor said "Oh, I'm glad you brought someone... it's bad". Hey, could you wait until I sit down?? Make some insipid small talk?? No, straight to the sentencing.
My first thought was "how will I pay for this without insurance?". Then "wow, I might die". It was surreal at best. I was pissed immediately. Irritated beyond all comprehension that I had to deal with this bullshit. Not to mention I was bleeding profusely and anemic. Then the thought of family and friends. Breaking it to them...
It's been well over a month since my diagnosis. I still haven't told everyone that I should. My mother is in a home and mired in dementia. She couldn't comprehend and it would only upset her greatly in the short-term.
My family needs consoling. It's unreal how much I have to talk to them and make them feel better about my cancer. I know they're scared. I know it's gigantic but I don't like to give it such power. I REFUSE to. The recent loss of a family member to cancer has made us all shell-shocked. It took a long time before I told my brother Pete (his wife Terri passed in September of '08).
Fear is just an emotion. It spurs our "flight or fight" response when threatened but really, in my basal animal brain.. life goes on. There is nothing good that can come from fear flushing through my veins like cold liquid. Why let it? Why give it such enormous power over me?
Not that I refuse to think about it and acknowledge the fear... it comes and I recognize it and then I let it go. KTHNXBAI.
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